Very Funny, Scotty! Now Beam Down My Clothes!

Here is a post that appeared on my Facebook page three years ago today. Yes, I’m a Trek nerd; at least, I used to be.

The FB Star Trek poll question of the day is, “Which character would make the best U.S. President?”

Here’s my answer, plus a few bonuses:

James T. Kirk as president. He never met a skirt he didn’t like, but that’s not really a disqualification anymore. Besides, he’s tough, honest and knows how to quote the Constitution.

Janeway as Vice-President. Because the VP can be useless and get away with it. Plus, she’s the only female with whom Kirk can be trusted.

Data as Secretary of Treasury. He’d solve our debt crisis in a matter of days.

Picard as Secretary of State. The French make good diplomats, but he and Kirk could outthink Putin together. More important, Picard could probably have the Israelis and Palestinians singing and holding hands within a year’s time.

Worf as Secretary of Defense, for obvious reasons. Kirk will need that Klingon bastard if Picard fails.

Spock as Attorney General. Does anyone doubt that he would apply the law logically, but with just the right measure of compassion? And he’s the best one to have Kirk’s back when all of those sexual harassment lawsuits start rolling in.

Beverley Crusher as Secretary of Health and Human Services. I love Bones, but he’d make a lousy politician.

Sisko as National Security Advisor since he’s got a lot of war experience.

Sulu as the outspoken gay lobbyist whom everyone pays lip service to when he’s in the room, but then express their annoyance with when he leaves. Captain Archer can be Sulu’s poster boy for the inevitable repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

Odo as both the Speaker of the House and Senate Majority Leader, representing both parties. He’s the consummate politician who can change his shape to fit the moment.

Deanna Troi as the only journalist who can get an interview with President Kirk.

Riker as the leader of a group of anti government extremists who stage a coup against Kirk. Riker’s surface reasons are government over-reach, but he’s really motivated by jealousy over the Troi interview. In his words, “An interview doesn’t take four hours, and why were the cameras turned off after 20 minutes!”

Wesley Crusher as Edward Snowden’s successor. Picard will fake tears when Kirk has him executed for treason, but will celebrate privately with a bottle of, “The old.”

Jadzia Dax as the spokesperson for the mentally ill. Her tagline is, “Sometimes, I feel like there’s someone else living inside me.”

Updated additions:
Pavel Chekov as Secretary of Transportation. Of course we’re going to use the Walter Koenig version from the prime timeline… Because we’re sensitive to Anton Yelchin’s memory. Not to mention the fact that Putin won’t be as tempted by an American imitating a Russian, rather than the genuine article.

Chakotay as the leader of a radical environmentalist group who attempt to sabotage the Dakota Access Pipeline. The cast from those ridiculous reboot movies as his ragtag followers who eventually die of exposure after an outdoor 4/20 celebration. Chakotay dies with the words, “The science is settled,” on his lips. When Spock sees a YouTube video of this, he laughs for the first time.

The Borg Queen as a professor of women’s studies at the University of California at Berkeley. Seven of Nine as a professor injured in a riot during a speech by Secretary Worf, who disperses the riot single-handed.

Geordi as the man who invents a self-driving car that actually works.

Q as an omniscient being who plays a cruel joke on America by causing two airliners to collide over a quiet neighborhood in Albuquerque.

Enjoy Your Meal

Folks, I want to thank all of the anonymous, well-intentioned people who have paid for my meals at restaurants over the years. I know you were just trying to “pay it forward.”

But it’s not necessary.

There are many people in this world who could use a free meal. College kids who are working on a degree. Post grads who are struggling to pay back their student loans. Service men and women who want to save that extra bit of cash for their families. Cops, teachers, nurses and others who keep our community vibrant. Single parents who put food in the mouths of their kids before feeding themselves. The list goes on and on.

Just because I’m blind doesn’t mean that I need your charity. I work for a living and have been doing so for almost three years now. If you could see a photo of me, you’d be well aware that I ain’t starvin’.

Many blind people like myself are gainfully employed and should be the ones who are paying it forward. Some are trying to find work and have not succeeded. Others choose not to work. Yet, how strange that most blind people I know seem to be able to afford those shiny toys that they don’t really need, regardless of their income levels.

Nah, folks. If you want to buy a meal for a stranger, do it for someone who truly needs and deserves it. But, if you really have a compulsory need to spend money on me, send me a box of cigars.

A Bold, Fresh Piece of… Somethin’

Bill O’Reilly is history and I have no sympathy. He made his bed and now he’s gonna have to lie in it.

Fox News announced today that they are cutting ties with the king of cable news punditry after a series of high profile sexual harassment suit settlements came to light. In the wake of Roger Ailes’ departure, this doesn’t surprise me. O’Reilly settled his first major lawsuit in 2004 and common sense should’ve told him to curb his appetite. Yet, sexual predators are strangers to common sense. Just ask Bill Clinton.

A large plank in O’Reilly’s platform was the upholding of family values. This is illustrated in his book, “The O’Reilly Factor,” in which he urges his readers to control their impulses, lest the reverse should occur. He purported to serve as a warning messenger, but as it turned out, he was speaking from experience.

In fairness, I was a fan of O’Reilly throughout the Bush years. I found his traditional spin to be refreshing, even if he often stepped on those who disagreed with him (particularly women) a little too harshly for my liking. I did admire his push to make Jessica’s Law, which would force judges to hand out strict mandatory minimum sentences to those who were convicted child molesters, a reality in all 50 states. I also agreed with his views on immigration, pot legalization, foreign policy and religious liberty.

Yet, as the years wore on, his skin seemed to grow thinner, particularly after Obama was elected. In 2010, O’Reilly appeared on The View and engaged in a debate with the hosts that resulted in Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar angrily storming off stage. View viewers saw it once, but the audience of the Factor got to see it over and over and over again, as O’Reilly paraded guests on to analyze the walk-out from every angle.

At his best, O’Reilly was a patriot who championed America and traditional values. At his worst, he was a flagrant self-promoter and a bully who’s catch phrase, “No spin,” was merely code for O’Reilly spin. If you doubt it, just YouTube any of his interviews with Donald Trump.

So, O’Reilly is gone and the jury is out as to whether or not his brand image will recover. In the meantime, lefties across the board are cheering and raising a jar to his apparent demise. If you secular-progressives will pardon me for pissing on your parade, I have a question. Who did you vote for last November. Was it the woman who enabled another sexual predator to operate at the highest levels of power for decades?

Sure, O’Reilly’s downfall serves as another nail in the coffin of social conservatism. In the wake of Trump, we’ve earned it and we’re going to have to live with it. But while you’re dialing up your hypocrite meters, let us not forget that the party that champions feminism, and that claims that every woman who accuses a man of sexual assault has the right to be believed, is the party of Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner and the late Ted Kennedy.

Hypocrisy runs both ways and human weakness is non-partisan.

The Big Mushroom

Lets see a show of hands. Would you guys rather read/hear me talk about Syria, or Gorsuch?

Hands up high! Get’em up there! Keep’em up!

And the winner is… Syria!

Sorry to say it, but my FB page is not a Democracy. It’s a dictatorship. A benevolent dictatorship to be sure, but a dictatorship none the less. So, it’s Gorsuch.

Politics is nothing more than gamesmanship. You Mr. Smith Goes to Washington types may wring your hands at this fact, but there it is. We don’t play for points on a scoreboard or for cash on the table. We play for power.

Okay, so sometimes, money under the table achieves the same ends, but never mind.

Anyway, he who controls the board, makes the rules, or breaks them if he/she so chooses. Last November, the GOP won the White House, thereby giving us control of all three chambers of the legislative body in D.C. Many leftist conspiracy nutjobs think the American people were doing Putin’s bidding, but it looks as if we just gave Vlad 60 big party poppers that spell, “Kiss my ugly American ass!” There goes that theory.

Now, I know that leftist narrative number one was, “Republicans stole Garland’s seat!” I know that liberals will have no truck with logic, but I’ll try to spell it out anyway. You can’t steal something that never belonged to the other party. No, McConnell never gave Garland a hearing, but he wasn’t entitled to one. I feel absolutely no guilt over this fact because I have zero doubt that, if the situation had been reversed, Democrats would’ve played the exact same game. Senator Biden told me so in 1992.

So, the GOP invoked the Reid Rule. In other words, we nuked the Dems and while we bask in the glow of the great big mushroom cloud over Capitol Hill and wait for the tables to turn so the Dems can forget their outrage and do it to us, I will celebrate the fact that Scalia’s seat has finally been filled, thereby restoring the court to a healthy balance. This is a good thing, but good is a mere byproduct of the game.

I know many of you slacktivists will switch to leftie narrative number two; “Gorsuch is an illegitimate judge! Resist! Resist!” You’ll get up a big, righteous, progressive stiffie and the media will lather up their hands with a palm full of lotion and jerk you to fruition. Isn’t it interesting that, when the Tea Party were the ones engaging in resistance, the media put on a steel wool glove before administering their handjob? Oh well.

Yes, Mom, I know you’re reading this. I know I’m being uncouth and tactless, but I also know you’re laughing inside even as you grimace. It’s like that time I took one of Dad’s barbecue ribs and pretended to shave with it. You acted mad, but I could tell you were grinning behind the anger.

My final thought is this. If only McConnell and Schumer would’ve just cracked a Pepsi together, all of this could’ve been avoided. What about Trump and Putin? Putin seems like a Mountain Dew kind of guy.

Never mind. I don’t think it would be wise for The Donald to accept any drinks offered by Putin for a long, long time.

Remembrance of a Branded Man

Merle Haggard passed away one year ago today. This is what I wrote as a memorial to him on my Facebook page:

“I never been nobody’s idol,
but at least I’ve got a title.
And I take a lot of pride in what I am.”

RIP, Merle Haggard.

He was that rare breed of country music performer who was completely authentic, because he lived the life that was in his lyrics. When he sang about prison, he was credible because he’d done time. When he sang about poverty, you believed him because he grew up during the Great Depression. When he excoriated the anti-war crowd, he was persuasive because he was a patriot, in spite of running afoul of the system.

He did not sugar-coat the heartaches and the failures that are so common to the journey of life; as do the country singers of today. He pulled them out from under his bed and revealed them to us, and we all listened together with earnest intensity. We laughed, we loved, we wept and we hoped for something better, because we realized that we were listening to a great teacher who himself had been a tragic student in the school of human pain.

Thank you, Merle, for all you have given to the world of country music. You can go on now, brother, and sing me back home when you get there.

The Penis Always Loses

Men can never win!

I’ve been alive for 42 years and the only hard truth I’ve come to realize is that men, no matter what they do, are wrong.

Take the latest issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine, for instance. The editor of the Sex and Relationships section wrote that it’s wrong for a man to enjoy giving a woman an orgasm.

In her view, men derive masculine pleasure from the act of giving a woman a climax. She goes on to explain that the female orgasm should be womancentric and, if the man takes too much satisfaction from her satisfaction, then she is merely a vessel of his own desires reflected and projected.

I’m not making this up. Go Google it if you don’t believe me!

Ok, so for decades, much of feminism has derided men for not caring enough about their partner’s orgasm. Now, he’s selfish if he does?!

How can we ever win. If we follow this lady’s logic to its ultimate conclusion, the best thing for couples to do is to give each other battery-powered implements, or adult DVD’s once a year for their birthday, then go into separate rooms and rub one off. Then they can gather in the living room in the afterglow and compare notes. Maybe on Christmas, they can videotape the experience to give their spouse a bit of an extra thrill, but not too much of one!

Here is my question for the Cosmo editor. If a man is having trouble with erectile dysfunction and the woman blames herself for it, as many women erroneously tend to do, is she being selfish? If he takes Viagra, should she be angry, or should she be as happy as Bob Dole on New Year’s Eve?

You know… Maybe Eliot Spitzer had a point. Prostitution is a more direct means of alleviating sexual tension without worrying about your partner’s feelings. Of course, I can’t afford it, but if I ever achieve Donald Trump’s level of affluence… But never mind. I never did have a taste for Russian women. I certainly have a taste for American women… But there I go being selfish again.

Sorry, ladies.

The Hunt

The more books I read, the more I realize that being an author is a perilous avocation, particularly if you want to write a series. On one hand, you have to keep your books fresh and unpredictable. On the other, you have to keep the elements in place that initially drew readers to your body of work. It must be a precarious balancing act and often, a thankless one.

Take John Sandford, for instance. For years, Evaney From Miami kept bugging me to read the Lucas Davenport series. Finally in May of 2012, I grabbed, “Rules of Prey,” and tucked in. I was hooked!

It wasn’t that Lucas was all that different from many of his literary counterparts. At least, not on the surface. Renegade cop who plays by his own rules? Check. The thing that drew me to Lucas was the fact that he shamelessly flaunted his methods for criminals and his peers alike. By the end of the first novel, it became clear that, while Lucas displayed many of the trappings of his contemporaries, he had (or didn’t have) something that the likes of Harry Bosch, Peter Decker and J. P. Beaumont all possessed. A conscience. Sandford verified this in an interview with the New York Post in 2002, in which he confirmed the fact that Davenport was a sociopath.

This literary twist fascinated me. Here was a guy who cloaked himself in the trappings of upscale civilization (a house, Italian suits and a Porsche, for God sake!), yet he was a thinly-veiled animal underneath.

Each of the Davenport novels contains the word, prey. Yet, as you read, you quickly come to question who exactly is the prey and who is the predator. Is the predator a lawyer who leaves a written rule at the scene of each kill, a crazed Native-American seeking revenge, a sadistic surgeon who steals the eyes of his victims, or a child molester hidden deep in the frozen Wisconsin woods? Or, is the real predator a man who uses his badge only for cover, but who could care less about the rule of law, preferring the thrill of the game to anything else?

This was the Lucas Davenport I fell in love with five years ago. Sadly, this was the Lucas Davenport whom John Sandford could not sustain for more than 10 novels. Eventually, much to my dismay, Lucas mellowed out. He got married, adopted a daughter, had a couple more kids and began hopping from one employer to another in search of villains. Gone was the solitary, nocturnal predator who prowled the streets of Minneapolis playing cat-and-mouse with twisted bikers, warped kidnappers and southern hitwomen. In his place was a more conventional crimebuster who was chasing more conventional villains. When I found myself reading a Lucas Davenport novel that involved quilting, I knew it was time for me to stop living in denial and move on.

In fairness, John Sandford is doing what I only dream about. He’s now writing three series and raking in the bucks, while I eek out blog entries during stolen moments in a control room. Yet, a relationship exists between author and reader, much like the one between predator and prey. Whether it is antagonistic or not, an inherent understanding is present that allows the reader to criticize the author. This knowledge allows me to stem the guilt that I, as a non-sociopath, might feel at criticizing a writer whom I once loved.

As I said, I think maintaining a series is probably tough. Many excellent scribes fall prey to the pitfalls of time. Nelson DeMille is another example. John Corey is a great character, if not original. He’s another rogue cop who always knows better than his superiors, but what made him special was his razor-like wit. When he stopped being funny on a consistent basis, I quit reading.

Maybe Dennis Lehane has a point, I thought as I ran through the Kenzie-Gennaro private eye novels in the autumn of 2015. There are only six. Less is more, right?

To quote Waylon Jennings, “Wrong!” Lehane appears to be done with the tumultuous Boston couple, having chosen to move on to historical American epics. This was probably a good thing as the series was hit-and-miss for me and their final adventure, “Moonlight Mile,” left me with a pretty sizeable meh feeling.

All of this was on my mind as I started the Joe Pickett series, by C. J. Box, in May of last year. Sixteen novels about a Wyoming game warden who solves crimes, I thought? Whatever.

Joe Pickett’s first outing, “Open Season,” left me impressed. A guy drops dead on Joe’s woodpile after being shot. His cute little daughters subsequently discover a mysterious animal hiding in said woodpile. Soon, more bodies start falling and Joe and his family find themselves smack in the middle of a power struggle between the town’s corrupt sheriff, Joe’s former boss and environmentalists with an agenda.

That was great. I bet he can’t do it again, I foolishly thought.

“Savage Run,” is about eco terrorists, exploding cows and a covert range war involving a secret cattleman’s association.

Can we go three for three, I wondered.

“Winter Kill,” involves a group of anti-government separatists, an overzealous FBI director and a man wrongly accused of murder. The man, Nate Romanowski, is a mysterious fellow who wears a pony tail, loves falcons and has a shadowy Special Forces background.

Great, I mused. Mitch Rapp, the nature boy version. But where Mitch Rapp is too often one-dimensional, Nate (a running character who turns out to be Joe’s best friend), is written in a far more nuanced and layered way. As the novels progress and we learn more about Nate, we come to realize that he carries a lot of baggage over the things he’s done in his past.

Let me skip to the part where I tell you that Mr. Box just published his seventeenth Joe Pickett novel, “Vicious Circle,” a few days ago. I am sneaking chunks of it at work when I should be tending to business, it’s that good. Mr. Box is the only author I’ve ever read who has never written a novel in a series that has disappointed me. This includes, not only his entire Pickett series, but his various stand-alone novels such as, “Blue Heaven,” “Three Weeks to Say Goodbye,” and “The Highway.”

One of the elements that makes Box’s novels so compelling is the setting. Michael Connelly knows the streets of Los Angeles like the back of his hand. So does George Pelecanos in Baltimore, or Dennis Lehane in Boston. They have intimate knowledge of the world in which their characters flourish.

C. J. Box is a native of Wyoming and currently resides there with his family. When he writes about Joe Pickett exploring the Big Horn Mountains on horseback, or Nate Romanowski swimming naked in the Yellow Stone River, his attention to detail lends a necessary tint of authenticity to the literary landscape.

But more than that, Box paints an accurate picture of the average citizen of the Cowboy State. The plight of ranchers in the face of land developers, the clash of western values with the bureaucratic mindset of Washington D.C., the relationship between humanity and nature are but some of the themes explored at length in various novels.

Over the years, I’ve lost Patience with crime novelists who I tend to regard as too gimmicky. James Patterson, David Baldacci and Patricia Cornwell are three examples that come quickly to mind. Granted, a series revolving around crime detection is bound to become formulaic by it’s very nature. There’s nothing wrong with that. If I’m comfortable with the formula, I’m happy. Raymond Chandler is considered to be an American icon and, though he only wrote seven Phillip Marlowe novels, he was somewhat formulaic. So was Arthur Conan Doyle, for that matter, and Sherlock Holmes still survives in modern media.

In order for a formula to work for me, I need to care about more than just a basic crime procedural (I’m looking at you, Longmire.) The crime universes I like to inhabit need to have as much of a cultural feel as a sense of forward momentum through plot. C. J. Box does a masterful job of this.

Consider the violence portrayed throughout his novels. Aside from the afore-mentioned exploding cows, people have met their demise from such creative means as, death by hanging from a wind turbine, death by geyser, death by bear and death by arrow, among others.

A lesser author would merely see the wild violence of the west as a means of employing shock value to draw readers, but the violence has consequences, both for Joe Pickett and his family. Box is not an overly-emotional storyteller, but he often conveys Joe’s feelings from the things he does not say.

In one instance, Joe gets into a western-style gunfight with a character. As the other guy lies on the ground dying, he mutters, “It hurts! It hurts!” over and over again. Later, multiple characters praise Joe for prevailing in the gunfight, but he can only hear the dying words of the man in his head.

Sidebar: It occurs to me that Lucas Davenport and Joe Pickett run parallel in some ways. They are both law enforcement officers who piss off their superiors, even to the point of being fired, yet who ultimately catch bad guys. But if you scratch the surface, they are antithetical. Lucas does what he does purely for the sport of it. Both men are hunters, though Lucas hunts humans, while Joe hunts game to feed his family. Lucas is an animal in human form who thrives in the jungle of crime, while Joe is a civilized man who protects his family from the horrors that he encounters on the job.

Unlike Lucas, Joe’s family is integral to his life. Thus, they are necessary to keep the audience engaged. His wife Marybeth is a strong woman who sometimes exhibits more common sense than her husband. Their marriage is not incidental to the action of the story. Often, it serves as a reservoir of strength for Joe and Nate. Joe’s family is a necessary reminder that human civilization can and must perpetuate itself, even in the face of the destructive power of raw nature and the lower elements in the human soul.

Joe is a righteous man, but he is a flawed man. He can’t shoot worth a damn. His optimistic view of the world sometimes blinds him to the darker impulses in others. He has a by-the-book approach that often causes him to butt heads with his friends and family, including Nate, a man who believes in his own code of justice.

No matter how careful an author may be, he/she can’t help but let their worldview bleed into their work. I quickly tired of the Harry Bosch novels because I noticed that Michael Connelly has an anti-police bias that I found to be off-putting. Dennis Lehane and George Pelacanos both love to perseverate about issues of race and class ad nauseam, often straying from solid storytelling into the realm of moralizing. When an author tells a reader what to think, he’s lost them, whether they agree with the viewpoint or not. I agree far more with the late Vince Flynn’s worldview about the war on terror and I share his pro-C.I.A. bias, but even I rolled my eyes (figuratively, of course) at times at the way he wrote any character who dared to oppose Mitch Rapp.

Based on his work, I’m going to hazard a guess that Mr. Box is not a leftist, or even center-left in his politics. Some might read his work and infer that he is a conservative, or even a right-winger. I would not be comfortable making such an assumption. He might be libertarian, or even center-right in his politics. But he does a good enough job presenting multiple angles on an issue that the reader is left to make up their own mind by story’s end. This is the mark of a writer who truly respects his audience.

So, seventeen Joe Pickett novels down, and I don’t know how many to go. Meanwhile, Mr. Box has developed another series centered around a cop who is an overweight single mother in her 30’s. I have a major crush on her. “Paradise Valley,” is the third novel in the Cassie Dewell series and it will be published this summer. If this proves to be Cassie’s last hurrah…well…maybe I’ll come back to this blog and dip my quill in some poison where Chuck is concerned. We’ll see.

In the meantime, a guy known only as, The Real Book Spy, has recommended several new series to me featuring characters with names like Cork O’Connor, Nick Mason and Logan West. With those characters in the queue, plus an unusual foray into the world of Harry Potter, my daily commute from Littleton to Boulder isn’t likely to get boring anytime soon.

Sidebar: I had the pleasure of meeting C. J. Box the other evening at a book signing here in Denver. I was struck by the fact that there is a lot of Wyoming in his demeanor. He seemed to be a man who is unassuming and unpretentious. In other words, there is a lot of Joe Pickett in C. J. Box, and vice versa. I took Katy, since she was the one who introduced me to the Joe Pickett series. She handled herself well, both during the Q&A period and when he signed her bookplate. I was not so fortunate. I had 10 things I wanted to say to him, but when the time came, my tongue got cramped.

Here’s a funny story he shared. He was at a writers’ conference and was seated between Michael Connelly and Lee Child, the author of the Jack Reacher series. Child was apparently complaining that fans kept asking him why the movie studio had cast Tom Cruise, a relatively diminutive figure, as Reacher. Child felt that this bit of casting (or miscasting) eclipsed anything positive about the film.

Hell, maybe I should be glad that Joe Pickett hasn’t yet made it to the screen.

David E. Kelley is supposedly interested in turning “The Highway” into a limited series. I feel more than a little trepidation about this. Kelley’s worldview is decidedly liberal and it suffuses all of his work. To me, this would be incongruous with Box’s overarching philosophy. But Box seemed to be happy with their collaboration thus far.

I’m done now. Time to do a recording studio maintenance check.

“Splat!”

Friends, there are many things that annoy me as a blind person, but the true Bain of my existence are those well-intentioned people who can’t take no for an answer.

Take this morning, for example. Every day, I make my way from my cozy apartment to Denver Union Station, where I lay over for about 20 minutes before catching a bus to Boulder. I know the station like the back of my hand. I know where I’m going and where I don’t want to go.

This morning, I was killing time inside the station when I heard a loud “bang!” behind me. To my ear, it sounded like the escalator breaking.

Curiosity compelled me to walk over to the “up” escalator to investigate to see whether or not it was operational. As I approached it, some guy starts talking to me in a loud voice.

“Hey man! You’re trying to go down the up escalator! Hey man! You wanna go downstairs?”

“I’m fine, pal. Thank you,” I said.

That should’ve been the end of it, but alas, it was not.

“Hey, the down escalator is over there. You wanna go to your right,” he said as I placed my hand on the railing of the “up” escalator and determined that, yes, it was still working.

“I’m fine, buddy. Thank you,” I said again.

Satisfied that the escalator was working properly, I turned to walk over to stand by the wall, which is my customary place whenever the weather is too cold to allow me to stand outside the station.

“Hey man. The down escalator is to your left. Turn left.”

“BE GONE, MEDDLING INSECT!!!” I bellowed. Then, out loud, I said, “I said I’m fine, pal.”

“I was just tryin’ to help. Jesus!” he muttered as he went downstairs.

You guys know that scene in The Departed when Martin Shean falls off of the roof of a hundred-story building and splatters in a Boston alley? The sound effect is exquisite. I’d like to think that it’s what that fellow would’ve sounded like if I’d grabbed him by the neck and hurled him over the side of the escalator, thereby sending him plummeting to his messy doom in the subterranean bus terminal. Alas, we will never know.

A few minutes later, I was walking to my bus gate when I passed the same fellow.

“You’re doing fine, man. Just keep goin’ straight. Keep goin’. Keep goin’.”

I read once in a C. J. Box novel that, when you rip a man’s ear off, it sounds like the bones of a chicken wing snapping. Alas, we will never know.

To all of my sighted readers, I implore you! It’s fine to offer assistance to a blind person, but if they tell you they are doing fine, just leave it at that. You’ll still get your positive karma for doing your good turn daily.

For all of my blind readers, don’t believe the lies. Violence solves everything.

A Hit Is a Hit

Well, we’ve had a lot of heavy, serious crap going down lately on this blog, so how about lightening it up. Let’s switch from the cut-throat world of D.C. politics to the much more transparent world of, The Mafia.

I’ve been embracing my inner TV nerd of late by reading yet another critic’s book by David Bianculli. He’s charting the evolution of scripted TV shows in 18 different genres. Of course, he’s a big fan of The Sopranos.

What a coincidence. So am I.

So here are my top 10 favorite episodes from that landmark series, The Sopranos. As they say, “Come for the whackings, stay for the psychiatry.”

If you haven’t yet seen the series, be warned that spoilers abound.

10. “Made in America” (Season 6, episode 21)

Possibly the most infamous of all Sopranos episodes, it’s still being cussed and discussed to this day.

Overall, the episode isn’t particularly dramatic in the wake of the blood bath that occurred in the series’ penultimate outing, “The Blue Comet.” The whacking of Phil Leotardo is far less anti-climactic than other whackings that appear in this list.

What makes this series finale so memorable is the final seconds. Tony Soprano (James Gandolfini) and his family are sitting in a restaurant, eating onion rings and listening to “Don’t Stop Believing,” on the tabletop jukebox. A couple of suspicious characters come in.

Then… Cut to black!

What did the black screen of death mean? Many passionate fans insist that it represents Tony’s death. Other equally passionate fans insist that it just means the story ends and that life goes on in the Sopranos universe. Series creator David Chase has been adamant that we will never know, for he will remain as silent as a whacked rat on the subject.

9. “I Dream of Jeannie Cusamano” (Season One, Episode 13)

The central conflict of The Sopranos in its first two seasons is the battle of Tony with his mother, Livia (Nancy Marchand.) This season finale best illustrates the problem. After Livia nearly burns her house down while cooking mushrooms, Tony puts her in a retirement home. Livia resents him for this, so she colludes with Uncle Junior to have her own son killed.

Tony catches on to the plot and foils it. Tony whacks Junior’s number one hetman, but Junior escapes mob justice by landing in jail, courtesy of the FBI.

Tony pays Livia a visit in her nursing home and screams at her, “I try to do right by you and you try to have me whacked!?”

All of Tony’s issues come boiling out as he bellows at the prone form of Livia on a hospital gurney. The angry, wounded little boy is clearly visible beneath the hulking form. But Tony can’t do anything to his mother as she smiles underneath her mask and is wheeled away.

8. “Whoever Did This” (Season Four, Episode Nine)

Of all the murders committed on this series, this one seems to be referenced the most by fans. Was it because Ralphie Cifaretto (Joe Pantoliano), sociopath and misogynist that he was, also had a charming side? Was it because of the ultra brutal nature of his demise in his own kitchen, with Tony’s big hands wrapped around his neck after a fierce fight? Was it the toupee? Who knows. All we know is that Ralph was killed and buried in three separate places and no one cared.

7. “Members Only” (Season Six, Episode One)

Most of this episode concerns the fate of a small player in Tony’s organization at the hands of the FBI. However, the last moments of the episode serve as a game changer.

Tony is cooking pasta for Uncle Junior (Dominic Chianese) in his kitchen. Junior, who now suffers from advancing Alzheimer’s, thinks Tony is a long dead enemy and shoots him in the stomach.

This episode came along after rival series such as Lost and 24 had raised the bar, making it acceptable to kill off main characters. Fans went crazy on the internet. Would the writers actually let Tony bleed out on Junior’s kitchen floor, thereby rebranding the show as, “The Further Adventures of Christopha and Vito?”

OF COURSE NOT! They still had 20 episodes left to go before the black screen and the late, great James Gandolfini was still an Emmy magnet.

6. “Funhouse” (Season Two, Episode 13)

Speaking of the death of major characters, this episode featured the first. Sal ‘Big Pussy’ Bompensiero (Vincent Pastore) had committed the ultimate breach of the mafia code by turning rat for the FBI. Tony learned about it and thus, Tony along with his two trusted sidekicks Paulie and Sylvio, took Pussy for one last cruise on Tony’s boat. Of all the murders Tony committed, this one had the biggest personal impact on him, as Pussy was one of his mentors.

The other major aspect of this episode were the dream sequences. The show had flirted with them before, but this was the first time (and not the last) that Chase and his cohorts used Tony’s dreams as a means to advance the plot.

5. “White Caps” (Season 4, Episode 13)

Carmela Soprano (Edie Falco) is mad as hell and she’s not gonna take it anymore!

She’s tolerated Tony’s infidelity for years, but when one of his mistresses calls her on the telephone and taunts her over their affair, she explodes and kicks Tony out of the house in a hailstorm of golf balls.

There’s a B-Plot involving Tony’s cold war with a shark lawyer in which we learn that Tony knows how to resolve conflict without violence. There’s also a C-plot involving Johnny Sack and Little Carmine, but it is forgettable in the wake of the nuclear explosion that occurs between Tony and Carmela as their marriage is finally revealed for the crumbling façade that it truly is.

Does Carmela divorce Tony? Hell no! After a season of separation, she makes her peace with her life and her true nature and goes back to him.

4. “Employee of the Month” (Season three, Episode Four)

Tony’s therapist Dr. Jennifer Melfi (Lorraine Bracco) takes center stage in this one. Over the course of the show’s 86 episodes, we saw a lot of violence. But nothing was quite as shocking or brutal as Melfi’s rape in a parking garage.

One of the major themes of The Sopranos is that humans, by in large, are irredeemable creatures incapable of change. But Melfi defies this existential view when she refuses to tell Tony about the rape. She takes the high road instead. Rather than unleashing Tony as the instrument of her righteous vengeance, she handles it by suffering in silence.

3. “Pine Barrens” (Season Three, Episode 11)

The Sopranos wasn’t just all about the drama. It could be hilarious, too. This is the best example.

Christopher (Michael Imperioli) and Paulie (Tony Sirico) go to pick up a collection from one of Tony’s Russian contacts. How they bungle the job and end up spending a freezing night in the Jersey woods is something you have to see to believe.

This wasn’t a Tonycentric episode. Gandolfini was surrounded by a superb cast that often carried the action to great effect. The ending is somewhat ambiguous and served as one of several plots that drove fans to distraction because it was forever left unresolved.

2. “Long Term Parking” (Season Five, Episode 12)

Poor, poor Adriana (Drea de Matteo.) She didn’t mean to get nabbed by the FBI. She didn’t want to become an informant against Christopher. She never, ever should’ve admitted it to him. She winds up buried in an unmarked grave somewhere in the Jersey woods, while Christopher once again falls off the wagon.

This is a wonderful, yet heartbreaking episode from start to finish. It is notable because of the different approaches that the characters take when dispensing with a troublesome FBI rat. Big Pussy dies under a cloud of sorrow while he and his comrades do tequila shots on Tony’s boat with Sinatra crooning in the background. Adriana dies crawling on her hands and knees, begging for her life as Sylvio calls her a “cunt,” and puts three bullets in her back.

1. “College” (Season One, Episode 5)

The Sopranos was noteworthy for its serialized storylines, yet this is what producers call, a bottle episode. That means that all events are self-contained and don’t require having viewed the shows that come either before or after.

Tony is taking his daughter Meadow (Jamie-Lynn Sigler) on a trip to visit several college campuses. While doing so, Tony spots a rat who is responsible for the incarceration of several members of his crew. Much of the episode is a cat-and-mouse game between Tony and the rat, all while Tony tries to keep his daughter out of the line of fire.

The B-plot involves Carmela as she deals with her sexual attraction to her priest. It sounds lame on paper, but Edie Falco makes it work.

Surprise, surprise. Tony catches and kills the rat. This was the first time (and not the last) that we see Tony commit cold-blooded murder on screen. The HBO executives were worried that seeing Tony kill a man would turn the audience against him. David Chase argued that Tony would have no credibility if he didn’t whack the rat in true mafia style. Of course, Chase won out and the audience was clearly behind Tony as he wrapped a jumper cable around the rat’s throat.

Honorable mentions:

“Boca,” “Knight in White Satin Armor,” “Marco Polo,” “University,” “The Test Dream,” “Mr. and Mrs. Sacrimoni Request,” “Full Leather Jacket,” “Another Toothpick,” “The Strong, Silent Type,” “Proshai, Livushka,” and “The Blue Comet.”

“Wa wa wa wa wa wa.”

I am an American first, a Republican second and a disabled person last. If you doubt these words, consider the fact that I went against the grain of my party by not voting for Donald Trump in the last election. I was certain that he would not be the best outcome for this country. Despite my misgivings, I love his cabinet picks.

Speaking of which, Betsy DeVos is officially our new Secretary of Education. This came after a nocturnal Democrat “talkathon” that added up to absolutely nothing but juicy fodder for headlines. At least Ted Cruz was gracious enough to recite Dr. Seuss back in the day.

Many of my disabled friends and colleagues have done a great deal of hand-wringing over the fact that DeVos seemed less than prepared when discussing IDEA (The Individuals With Disabilities Education Act.) I understand the concern. I wish her staff had better prepared her for the adversarial process of a confirmation hearing.

That said, despite video clips taken out of context, DeVos has never demonstrated hostility toward IDEA or disabled students in general. DeVos is our new reality and going forward, we of the National Federation of the Blind had better spearhead the effort to meet with her and educate her.

If I looked at the picture through the lens of my disability, maybe I would have called for DeVos to be benched. As a Republican, on the other hand, maybe I would have blindly followed my party no matter who they chose.

As an American, I have to look at the bigger picture. That picture comes in the form of an article from the Washington Post published on October 28, 2015, in which the latest results of testing from the National Assessment of Educational Progress were revealed. They showed that 64 percent of fourth graders and 66 percent of eighth graders were not proficient in reading. It also concluded that 60 percent of fourth graders and 67 percent of eighth graders were not proficient in math.

Consider those figures for a moment. That is nearly 2/3 of our national student body. If those results were confined to a specific school with 2/3 of the students failing in basic reading and math, how long do you think the principal would last?

After seven years of a digression from results that were already tepid, it’s time for a change. Devos’s signature issue is school choice. Contrary to liberal talking points, school choice would benefit poor and minority students more than the rich, since affluent parents are already sending their children to private schools. If you doubt it, just ask many of the Democrat senators who oppose DeVos as being predisposed against public schools. Many of them, as well as their children, have bypassed public education for the private sector.

I don’t believe that school choice is the stake that will finally put this American vampire to rest all by itself. There are a lot of angles to consider. Standardized testing is proving to be a disaster. The teachers unions have entirely too much influence and that is not likely to change without someone in power to challenge them. Too many parents think their kids live in a snowflake culture and bristle whenever a teacher brings constructive criticism to bear on their child.

But if you believe as I do that America is the most powerful nation on Earth, then these NAEP results are nothing less than embarrassing. We’ve thrown money at the problem for decades and have seen too little improvement. It’s time for a new approach. I believe that Betsy DeVos represents an appropriate shake-up of the status quo. If I’m wrong, she can be removed and replaced, but how will our children get their formative years back if we continue to fail them?