I declare that the 29th Amendment to the Constitution is the law of the land. As of now, the following points are incontrovertible facts of life:
• As of now, I hereby decree that the cat is the official national emblem. Dogs will still be permitted to exist, but cats may not be disparaged or harmed in any way. Anyone who abuses a feline will waive their right to trial and receive immediate death by a thousand cat bites.
• As of now, all vending machines will carry Peanut Butter M&M’s at a reasonable discount. The only restaurant permitted to be served on Capitol Hill will be Raising Cane’s. Runza will be catered for all official state functions. The name of The White House will be changed to, The Runza Hut. All vegans, food allergy nuts and health Nazis can go live in Canada if they don’t like it.
• I hereby proclaim that all federal funds formerly earmarked to Diversity, Equity and Inclusion will be diverted to my new national “Help men get laid,” program. Many of the problems in the world would be solved if more men would put down the game controller and go out on a date.
• I officially decree that Breaking Bad is the best TV show of all time. I further outlaw the making of any new Star Trek, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings or comic book projects. Hollywood is now on enforced shutdown until they can get an original idea for mass appeal.
• I order that all Rap and Heavy Metal noise be permanently outlawed. I further order that all historical texts be altered to change the word, “Music,” to “Noise,” when referencing same in the name of truth and accuracy.
• I hereby proclaim that George Strait be crowned as the new Poet Laureate of America. Those who don’t like George Strait can spend time in solitary confinement, watching Cats (2019) and Battlefield, Earth on an endless loop.
• I hereby proclaim that Louis Braille’s birthday will now be a national holiday. We’re all still hung over from the holidays anyway, so why not take an extra day?
• I hereby decree that all pot dispensaries be immediately closed and replaced with cigar bars. If the potheads don’t like it, they can take their Cheetos and be illegal aliens in Canada or Mexico.
• I command that every business in America hire at least one blind or low vision worker. No exceptions. No bullshit excuses. Employers who try to dodge this very overdue law will quickly come to know the wrath of the claw.
• I decree that Elon Musk be forced to sell Twitter to a group of conservative entrepreneurs, then get his ass to work on building an autonomous, affordable car for blind people.
• I hereby proclaim that the name Karen will no longer be used as a pejorative term. My mom’s name is Karen, so when you insult the name, you’re insulting my mother. Those of you who resist will perish with Karen on your lips and the smell of raw liver in your nose.
• To show that I am not hard-hearted, I will give progressives more than they asked for. I offer a compassionate decree that, rather than a 32-hour work week, all progressives will be guaranteed an eight-hour work week with commensurate pay. The money formerly paid to them will be diverted to defense spending.
• I hereby decree that the participants of all televised confirmation hearings must be completely naked for the entire proceeding. Let’s see how you politicians like to play for the cameras while the public is laughing at the size of your disco stick or the sad state of your female funbags. You folks like to screw people for a living? Let them see why you’re a politician rather than a porn star.
• Finally, I hereby decree that the Transfer Portal is vanquished. If coaches, parents or high school punks care to defy me, then I hope you can play football after having your vitals gnawed on by your most feral fans.
Many of you will read this and say, “Ryan, you’re silly. You’re not the POTUS. There’s no 29th Amendment. This is true, but Joe Biden hasn’t been POTUS for a long while, so there’s no 28th Amendment either.
