I was kind of running on empty this morning due to the beer I drank last night… And then I ate a Whopper.
I’m not gonna lie. The Whopper is probably my favorite fast food burger out there. The Big Mac is vastly overrated. Who wants an extra slice of bread in there!? Wendy’s Baconator is pretty damn good, but it sits in your gut like a lead brick for three days after you surround it. I do enjoy the Super Sonic burger, but until self-driving cars become a reality, I don’t get there very much. Hardy’s (Carl’s Jr. on the left coast) and Jack in the Box were both forgettable when I had them.
So, that leaves us with the Whopper. I put it in my mouth and am treated to a veritable starburst of taste sensations. The chewy sesame seed bun, the smooth, warm melted cheese, the crunch of lettuce, tangy pickles and brisk onions, the sweet, juicy tomato, the flame-broiled meat patty, and finally… The cool chaser of ketchup and mayo.
Who needs Jesus Christ when you can have a Whopper? In fact, at my funeral, don’t worry about my Sunday best. Just place a Whopper under my head and send the coffin downward. Be happy in the knowledge that I am in that great big drive-through in the sky, ordering a Whopper to go while some big-boned beauty is offering to lick the ketchup off my chin. Instead of the blind man in the bleachers, think of the big blind daddy in the Porshe.
Of course, with my luck, my spirit will go the same direction as my coffin. I’ll be in hell, where I’m in an Uber driven by a guy named Ahmed, who clearly has better things to do with his time. If we’re lucky enough to find the Burger King, the speaker will have a short, the lady taking my order won’t speak English, the cook will be a stoner who fixes it on a stale bun and forgets the extra cheese and the mayo, and Ahmed will drive away before I can check the bag to make sure they remembered the fries, which are better at McDonald’s anyway but I wanted them.
DAMN IT!!! I’m getting in a bad mood again thinking about this scenario. But I just burped and tasted that Whopper again. I feel better. Aahhhhh!!!
